1. Tortillas with Salsa con queso sounds like a good idea until your mouth both tastes and feels like the inside of a gutter.

2. You will only be happy if you lie to yourself. Like the time when I thought it was a good idea to put a couch in my bedroom and realized i hated the fact that a pile of clothes collected on it at the end of every day and every time I see it now, I have to convince myself that folding all those clothes will make me inherently happy, which is not so true at the time but is true later on. Like now.

3. You should have interests. Like books. Or movies. They make you more interesting and better at conversing. Even if J.G. Ballard’s Crash is your favorite book, and not that I’m saying it’s mine. Well, it might be. But it also might not. Books add mystery, See?

4. Some people like to invest a lot of time and energy into figuring stuff out, which is cool. Its like buying a pair of leather boots from Ferragamo, when he was alive. Only most people don’t do that, so the next time you want to acquire a hobby, take a moment to really ask yourself what you’re trying to prove!

5. Perfume is nice, it makes people want to be near you and/or give you attention. Also most people don’t actually want to pick up your natural scent. Unless they’re in love with you. Which, you know.

6. If you feel like crying, then you should just get over it and cry.  Plus, people like when other people cry because they get to see someone else’s suffering without having to experience it themselves and there’s another word for that: entertainment. This… doesn’t have to be as pathetic as it sounds. Also when you cry in front of someone, you are inviting them to a new level of social intimacy and it makes people feel like they are part of your special club.

7. Don’t read horoscopes. They don’t predict the future. They are only good at telling you what you want to hear, just like people in show business.

8. If you’re really nervous about talking someone you think is either A) out of your league, B) crazy in an alluring but destructive way, or C) too empirically good looking to have actual substance or a  sense of humor, its because they probably are. Any or all of those things. You’re actually doing yourself a favor by shutting them down. Yeah.

9.  Don’t apologize very much. I guess you can, when you’ve really done something stupid… but even then… First off: its annoying to hear when you’re really REALLY mad at someone. Secondly: it doesn’t actually mean anything, plus, you could be lying. Thirdly: If you’re really pathetic about it, your counterpart will see it as a sign of weakness and will take advantage of you.

10. Frequent bodies of water. They promote tranquillity. Also hanging around near the Charles at night will give you street cred, but this will increase your propensity to get raped… and so forth.

11. Don’t be rude to servers. It makes you a jerk.

12. Don’t be a hoarder. That show is creepy.